[00:00:00]

Ruby, I am delighted that you are able to join me. You and I have known each other for what, four and a half years or so, and I have really appreciated every way that you’ve shown up in my life. So thanks for being here. And yeah, would you like to introduce yourself to the audience?

Yeah. Well first of all, thank you so much for having me. It’s like we’re reconnecting after a really long pause, so I’m happy to be here. My name is Ruby Freemon and I am a transformational guide for leaders. For leaders who are really seeking to deepen their inner work, to deepen their presence and to cultivate a sense of integrity and intimacy in their leadership.

That’s be. beautiful. And I have been one of those, for those of you who don’t know.

Yes, you have been. So it’s really cool that we get to reconnect in this way.

Yeah, amazing. Can you tell us a little bit about your community? This, I’m actually [00:01:00] excited about this cause there’s a piece of this that’s really fun for me.

Yeah. My community right now as it stands is my online community on various platforms, and it’s a community that I have been nurturing and growing for many. Many years. It’s a community that I see as a community versus as an audience, which is typically how people look at their social media communities.

And it’s a community that I really, truly value and honor, and again, because I view them as my community and not just an audience.

That is so cool.

So having, here’s one of the reasons why I’m excited now that you’ve introduced it, now that people can keep up a little one of the reasons I’m excited about this is because the first element of community is common language. And obviously, you and I have been connected for a while.

We’ve been, sharing back and forth for a while and I’ve gotten to see the way [00:02:00] that you build with really deep intent. The way that you build your language with you know, at once, audience, now your actual community because of the intent that you’ve built into that. , so I’ve gotten to witness that and I can talk about that, but I didn’t bring you here for me to talk about it. Can you talk about that a little?

Yeah, I mean for me, the way that I’ve built my community is through trust, and trust is built through relatability, so constantly showing up. Real without the masks unafraid of showing up in my humility and showing what I don’t know as well as what I do know which really has helped cultivate a community that feels seen and understood.

And that’s important to me because for me, every single. [00:03:00] Person. I mean, this is a basic human need. We just all wanna feel like we belong. We all wanna feel seen, heard, acknowledged, understood. And so it’s been really important for me to just show up in my truth and in that truth, other people recognize their truth.

They see themselves in me because I’m not afraid to be real. And so it’s helped me cultivate a community of people who are really authentic or people who desire showing up in more authentic ways.

Yeah, I love it. So I actually remember, you know, again, we’ve been following each other for a while. I remember when you changed your profile picture from a sideways facing pose. And to leaning into the camera and your hands were up like this. What was that, two and a half years ago?

And the statement that you made when you did that [00:04:00] was I’m changing who I am. And it, that was like, it impacted me a lot. And it, was a powerful moment for me to realize that a one directional message could feel like a conversation.

It’s interesting cause I don’t remember that at all. I don’t remember the photos. I tend to stick with one photo for a really long time, so it’s interesting that that stood out to you.

Yeah. How else do you use. Do you use carefully crafted language to help people interact with you as though it were two directions?

For me, I don’t, I feel. Carefully crafted is not, that to me can often leave a messaging feeling very inauthentic. So I like to write when I’m in the flow and not to overly edit what I’m sharing. So everything that I share is coming from a place of [00:05:00] heart versus being too thought out. . It’s being written from my soul versus from my head in that I’m not thinking too much about how this is going to land.

I’m actually feeling into the emotions behind what it is that I’m sharing. And that has always worked for me because again, that’s what appeals that to other people’s hearts. There have been times when I’ve used. You know, crafting strategies for messaging, and sure it works, but it lands on a different type of community than the one that I’m cultivating, if that makes sense.

And the one that I’m cultivating is I want the real people. I want the people who lead with heart. I want the people who desire being more authentic. And so that means I need to show up in that authenticity by writing from my heart and not my ego by writing from a place of flow and not construction.[00:06:00]

I love it. That’s a beautiful reframe. I would argue if you’re open to it, that’s still carefully crafting. So you’re crafting yourself, you’re crafting the way that you approach you know, however it is that you do your writing, your keyboard or your notepad by. Managing your internal space, to bring in that inspiration, to bring in that heart, to bring in that feeling, and then you’re allowing your words to flow through that.

Sure. I mean, it’s not a word that I would use, but yeah.

Sure. I love it. Yeah. That’s a cool, I really, I’m enjoying that reframe. I’m letting it settle in because cause I can play with that too.

You know? Now I can look at that and say, How am I showing up at the keyboard? How am I crafting my internal environment? How [00:07:00] am I forging my flow?

Yeah. I mean, for an example, a real life example, very early on in my career, when I first started in 2014, 2015, around there, I would actually set out time blocks where I would write my social media content. And now I don’t do that. Now it’s, I write when I’m in the moment, I could be making dinner in the kitchen and something lands and I’ll grab my phone and I’ll write it and put it in my notepad.

And it doesn’t have to go on social media right away. But there’s something that came from my heart. It could come right when I’m coming out of the gym, out of a workout, and I’ll just put it in my notepad and there it is. And then all I do when I bring it to the social media landscape is copy, paste, stick a picture with it or create an image with it, and we’re done.

That’s so cool.

Are there times that you’re not willing to write?

Of course. I’m a firm believer in creativity needs space to breathe. And so when we’re under a lot of stress, when we have a lot going on in our [00:08:00] lives, when we don’t have the spaciousness, it’s really hard to write, or that’s when it feels forced. You know, it’s why we have the best ideas in the shower when we’re, driving or like in some space where the mind is able to relax.

So, of course, yeah. When I’m stressed out or I have a lot going on, a lot my plate for sure the creativity will not flow.

Yeah. I feel that. I was traveling for the last probably six weeks. And this episode’s gonna come out in a little while so people will know when this was recorded based on that. So I was traveling for the last six weeks and I got back over the weekend and I sat down and I started writing and I actually wrote an entire book over the weekend.

Now, I mean, it’s rough and ugly and needs editing work. But That was six weeks of worth of writing that I didn’t do that just fell out of me.

Yeah. And that’s the best feeling.

Yeah. [00:09:00] And I hadn’t thought about it from this perspective that, you know, I was giving my creativity room to breathe.

Yeah.

I’m like, shit, I gotta get to my keyboard with some brain space to write for weeks. And it wasn’t happening cause I was traveling of course.

And I get home and boom. 70 pages.

That’s the best way though. When it flows out of you, when it flows through you, that is the best way to share what it is that you’re here to share.

Yeah. Thank you.

You’re welcome.

You have a thing or two to say about leadership.

Your book last year, potent Leaders was, you know, if I may say so, a potent book. I have one myself what, if you don’t mind me asking, what makes a powerful a potent community leader?

Yeah. So I like to give an image cause I think it’s really easy for [00:10:00] people to grasp onto to. So we have the typical. Old school visual representation of what a leader is, and that’s someone standing on stage with a microphone, maybe a megaphone speaking at the audience. The way that I see leadership is the leaders in the middle of the room, in the middle of the crowd.

No megaphone, no pedestals, speaking with the audience in conversation with so that they can see eye to eye so that they can actually speak with people, hear them, see them, acknowledge them. That to me, is potent leadership, and that’s the direction that I believe truly, that humanity craves, desires. And not just on the, you know, personal development, entrepreneurial space, but in the corporate space as well.

There is this desire for people to really feel seen and heard and acknowledged by [00:11:00] their leaders. And when you continue leading from that pedestal leadership, it’s really exhausting because you’re constantly trying to position yourself as the expert that you know everything, that you have all the answers, and that you’re human.

You don’t, and it’s okay. So humility is also a huge factor for potent leadership. It’s necessary to know what you know and, admit what you don’t know, and just show up as a human first and a leader second.

Yeah. Hell yeah. amazing. It’s also OG you know, we didn’t start with pedestals. We started with our family, with a, you know, a small group of families. And, we were all hanging out together and one of us was speaking, not at, but with.

Right. And if you look at tribal leadership, the, you know, the tribes meet around the fire and they discuss, and there’s [00:12:00] people who live in the village. Then they each have a different responsibility, a different duty. So they work together for a common purpose.

Yeah, exactly that. Several episodes ago I outlined what I call the skills of adulthood. And one of them I called fluid leadership. And this, I think you’d have a lot of fun with this. It’s knowing when to seize leadership. Not to take it away. Leadership is sitting there waiting for somebody to seize it, right?

You’re not taking it from someone. You are, stepping into it and then knowing when to cede, CEDE, give up. Release leadership back to being available to the tribe for the next person to take it.

You wanna, you want to dive into that and have some fun with it?

I mean, the thing is with leadership. I believe that everyone is a leader in [00:13:00] their own way, shape, or form. Because first and foremost, you need to lead yourself in your own life. So even if there’s people listening saying, I don’t resonate with the term leader, but you are leading your own life. So, yes, everyone is a leader.

It’s just, the difference is, it’s like, where do you want to take your leadership? But we all have the responsibility to lead our own lives. So there is fluidity in that where we, you know, for me, my priority is always the, the devotion to self. Because the better I can show up for myself, the better I can lead my own life, the better I can lead and serve others.

Yeah.

And I have that fluidity within my life where I know when to lead and serve others, and I know when to lead and serve myself, and I know when both are necessary at the same time. So it’s important for people because I know some people I’ve talked to and they’re like, oh, you know, like I don’t really see myself as a leader, but you are, right?

Like who’s [00:14:00] leading your life?

It’s you.

Yeah. Beautiful. One of the ways that you showed that to me today. So for those of you who haven’t been on the show, when I kick off the show, I have two different spiels that I have to give before I kick it off. Now they’re not sales spiels, I’m not selling anything. It’s, this is how we use the platform and here are the elements of community.

And it’s just setting the stage. But, because I have to do it so often now I also have to do it for myself.

And you were like, you were like, yep, you have to do it. Go ahead, do it

Yeah. You know, and that’s We get to witness each other in each other’s leadership too. And I think that’s important as well. Because we often think of leadership as like, here I am in the, in the position of leading others, but we also get to witness other people leading. And [00:15:00] that’s I think one of the most fulfilling parts of my work is when I get to witness my clients leading their dharma, their purpose, their companies.

It’s really exciting to me and I can always find something that inspires me from every single person that I work with. And again, like that takes this depth of potent leadership. The type where it’s like you’re willing to see the other leader and the other person you’re willing to see that leader meet that leader or respect, honor that leader for what they have to bring to the table for what they have to offer.

And I think it’s a really beautiful reciprocal thing.

Yeah. Well said.

Thank you.

Amazing. If you don’t mind me diving down this a little, you brought up the common purpose, and by the way, I love you using the, the common language. , you brought up common purpose. And purpose is one of the things that I get to [00:16:00] watch you craft. And you don’t use that word, it’s flow, but I get to watch you craft purpose for your audience, for people to step into and be community instead of just audience. Are you open to talking a little more about that?

Yeah, I think one of the things I learned really early on, and I’ll share a story, okay, I’m gonna start with this. Is that it, in order to build a community, there needs to be this like common purpose.

That’s how people feel like they belong. And again, that is one of our innate needs as a human being, a sense of belonging, but it’s not a belonging to just anything.

It’s the belonging to where you feel seen, understood, heard, where you can walk into the room and feel like, oh yes, these are my people. And how do you know they’re your people? Because there’s this sense of like a common purpose, a common vision. Now, when I first started [00:17:00] coaching in 2014, I started as a self-love coach, and that was the realm of my work.

I focused on self-love. I worked only with women, and back then Facebook groups were the brand new rage at that time. So I started a Facebook community because I thought, I just wanna get a bunch of people who are devoted to learning more about self-love. How can I do that? Let me just start a Facebook community and see what happens.

I started the group and it was called Self-Love Tribe, and it was a private community. You had to put it, I think back then there weren’t questions, but you just had to request to be brought in. And then I would just let people in. . And within six months, that group organically grew to 5,000 plus members.

I didn’t do any ads, I didn’t do anything. But the reason why it worked is there was a common vision, a common goal, a common purpose. It was self-love. It was in the title. People knew what it was about. And then the [00:18:00] other thing that I did, and this was just like a personal, what would feel good to me situation, because I was part of a lot of Facebook groups at that time.

And I always just felt like another number in the group. So with my group, I really wanted to acknowledge every single person that stepped in. So once a week or twice a week, depending on how many requests I was getting, I would do a welcome post and I would accept all these people welcome. And then I would tag them in the welcome post, welcome so-and-so, so-and-so.

And sometimes it would be like 30, 40 names at once. And then I would ask a few questions and have them answer in the comments, and I would literally read every comment and answer back. But to me that was important. I wasn’t doing this as a tactic or as a gimmick. I really genuinely wanted every single person in that group to feel welcomed, to feel seen, to feel acknowledged.

Because after all, that [00:19:00] is what this group is about. It’s about self-love. So I grew my group organically at a time when everyone was resorting to ads and it felt really good. And that taught me a lot about building a community, cause prior to that I hadn’t really built a community per say. But it taught me the importance of the common vision, the common purpose, and to really help each person feel like they are a member of that community and not just a number.

Cause quite frankly, I was part of a lot of groups where I just felt like a number. I’ve been part of a coaching programs where I felt like a number and that just doesn’t sit well with me.

Yeah. Amazing. I hadn’t heard that story before. Thank you.

Yeah, you’re welcome. It was, I mean, that was a, that part of my, business that was a whirlwind. I grew such notoriety in a very short amount of [00:20:00] time because I had really honed in on like, what is the purpose? What is the vision, and how do I want to leave people feeling? , which is really important.

Wow. And we’re, I mean, we’re starving. We’re, so deeply craving, but not from like a sugar craving kind of thing, but like from a soul craving, like we just need to feel connected.

Not the numbers, not, I have 3000 followers, but I have six really, really good friends,

Yeah, exactly. That’s a perfect example. It’s like, I don’t need 50 acquaintances, you know? If I have three solid best friends, I’m good. And, and I’ve taken that same approach with my business and. You know, my model’s a bit different than other coaches, and I don’t think there’s a right or wrong.

I think there’s a right for you. [00:21:00] My model has continued to become more and more intimate, which is surprising because I never thought it would, but it feels the best and it feels the most nourishing for me and the type of work that I do. and I still want to make sure that every single person in, whether it’s like my online community or in my coaching programs or in my medicine ceremonies, they all really feel seen.

And with the online community, the way that I do that, because I have a large online community, is I take the time to. Respond to reply like it’s me. It’s not a bot, it’s not an assistant. I, literally will schedule carve out time to reply to queries, to questions, to comments from my community on social media platforms, because it means something to me.

If they took the time to write a comment or ask a question, I would like to take the time to [00:22:00] answer. That also doesn’t mean that I engage with people hating. On me or my content or just trolling. I have very strong discernment and very strong boundaries, but the people who are genuinely writing something that took some time to write, I respect them for that, and I wanna show them the same respect by responding

I think we could all learn from that me included. That was a beautifully crafted. So for those of you who don’t know, and you actually may not even know this, Ruby was the second person with whom I shared the womanhood approach that I put up in episode 29. Ruby was the second person that I shared that with. And I’m sharing that,to move into the intimacy. I have a very good friend who defines intimacy as the sharing of stories. And,while it’s [00:23:00] true that this framework that I’ve built, and now I, by the way, I call it now the goddess framework, and I have it built out, and it’s really cool and people are engaging with it, and I’m having some really powerful success with it.

That all started with you. So this friend of mine defines intimacy as the sharing of stories. So once you’ve shared a few stories, your level of intimacy goes from acquaintance to maybe friends. And once you’ve shared many stories, I don’t know how many, 30, 300, you go from friend to maybe best friend and then.

As you get to sort of best friend level and, maybe there are 3, 4, 5 of your actual best friends, like people with whom you’ve shared every story, you get to the point where in order to continue to deepen your level of intimacy, you have to either create new stories separately and come together and share them, or go create new stories together. And you, Ruby, you actually kicked off the [00:24:00] story that resulted in. A, this podcast, and B, some of the really cool things that I’m doing in the world you did or rather we did together.

Mm. Yeah, that’s awesome to hear. The way I look at intimacy is and this is a huge piece of the work that I do, is your willingness to be seen and to see others. I think that there’s, you know, we all have our natural protective mechanisms that we build through our learned experiences and traumas, and we get to show compassion for those parts of ourselves.

But we also get to. Keep learn how to keep our hearts open. So the more willing we are to be in that practice of being seen and seeing others, the more intimacy we cultivate.

Well it is [00:25:00] a job that I continue to work at.

Yeah. And honestly, everyone does. I still work at that. I think this is, again, like we all have our form. Of protective mechanisms that are there and we get to acknowledge them without any shame, blame, judgment towards self. It’s just what we learn to do in order to keep ourselves safe due to whatever traumas or experiences we have had in our lives.

And then when we reach this place of like conscious adulthood where we can look at our lives with awareness, that’s when we can begin to break some of those. Walls down. And as we start to break down those walls, we start to meet ourselves at deeper depths. And as we start to meet ourselves at deeper depths, we get to share those depths with other people.

So as we get to learn how to us we start to see who we truly are. [00:26:00] We also then get to share more of that with the world and be seen, and there’s no better feeling than actually being seen for who you truly are versus who you are trying to be.

Yeah. Amazing. Wow. How are you helping your community now step into that?

Well, one is through content. . I do love writing and I wrote a book I’ve been writing my entire life. I’ve had my poetry published at a very young age. I love writing. It’s a form for me to teach and to share and to guide, and so when I look at social media, to me, that’s just my short form writing, it’s a way for me to continue teaching, to continue [00:27:00] guiding, to continue connecting and nurturing those connections. And then of course I have my work and the way that I serve working one-on-one with leaders and in medicine circles. And my work is also always evolving. You know, I’m constantly allowing the evolution of myself because I’m always growing to be reflected in the evolution of my work.

Yeah. That’s amazing. And I, you know, to the extent that it’s applicable, I’ve gotten to play with that as well in our relationship. You know, you put up powerful posts and you know, social media gets busy. Especially for creators like us. But, somehow, weirdly every single time your post shows up, it’s exactly what I needed to see.

Yeah. Isn’t that always the case?[00:28:00]

It is, it’s amazing when it happened. I’m like, oh, I needed that today. Thank you. Ruby

yeah.

Yeah. You do a really phenomenal job of, at least from my perspective, of helping me, to remember to be grounded in me.

. Yeah. Thank you for reflecting that and I’m happy that is helpful.

Yeah. So one of the things that has changed for me recently is that over the past probably two and a half years, I’ve been talking about the five elements of community, and there are now six . There have always been six. But, at recently I realized that the social contract is, its own thing. It doesn’t fit into any of the other elements. And, you know, for whatever reason it took me [00:29:00] that long to figure it out. You have some, really powerful thoughts on social contract, on the way that we set rules for ourselves and set rules for the people around us and, do or do not communicate them.

Are you open to chatting about that a little?

I mean, I look at this as boundaries, right? It’s like honoring my energy and protecting my energy as well as maintaining a sense of integrity and respect in the spaces that I am in. Whether that is the social media space. You know, a lot of people wanna be like, this is my Instagram account. You can’t do this.

And it’s like, well, technically you’re using another platform. So it’s not yours, and if it’s a public profile, you’re welcoming anyone to see it. But I know my boundaries. I can’t control other people’s boundaries. I think it’s silly when people say, this is my space, my rules, if you wanna be here, here are the things.

Now I have a different [00:30:00] way of working within my own containers, but in the social media landscape, I get to be the one that decides where my energy goes and and where it flows, you know, and where I get to say, Isn’t worth my energy. And I know this because I’m so devoted to just my own energy to my own inner work because I really wanna protect what I’ve built when it comes to my containers with clients, there are.

Agreements that we make and the agreements are really there to set the tone for the container because it’s not, I don’t look at it as you are entering my container. I look at it as we are now going to enter into a relationship, which means we are co-creating this container. So here are the Agreements.

Yeah. That’s amazing. So my wife has a story that she tells about our relationship, about one of the, certainly [00:31:00] not but one of the most important conversations we ever had. She, went out drinking with some friends. Fantastic. I’m all for it. She still does that. And she, you know, she and I had a date set and she texted me, you know, I’ll be done in 20 minutes, and then 20 minutes goes by and she texts, well, it’s gonna be 20 more minutes.

And that went on for three hours. And then when she finally got in, you know, our date was long gone. cause it had been three hours that she was drinking with friends, which again, I’m all for it. Do that. And she was like, are you angry? And I said, yes, I’m angry. I have, for me, I have two rules, that we’re gonna have to follow in order for this to work.

Rule number one. There is no rule. This is rule number one. There is no rule until we agree on one. And we didn’t make any agreements about you texting me and saying it’s gonna be 20 more minutes before tonight. So what you’ve [00:32:00] done is annoying , but it didn’t break any rules cause we don’t have any rules yet.

So rule number one, there is no rule until we agree on a rule. And, once we agree on a rule, then that exists. And, you know, from this point forward, I don’t ever get to be angry with you if you broke a rule that I didn’t set out, that I didn’t discuss with you, that we didn’t agree on. And neither do you get to be angry with me for the same thing.

There’s no, you know what you did, Mm. There’s no, you’re supposed to know how to behave. Like if you want a rule, we have to discuss it. We have to agree on it. Rule number two, Now that this has happened now we’re gonna go there. Rule number two, if we set a date, if things change, they change and that’s okay. But if we set a date, I expect you to be there and be on time and, if you’re not gonna be there and be on time, you have to let me know so I can do other things.[00:33:00] And, that was sort of creating the container and I’m in, I didn’t think about it in those terms until you and I started working together.

. . Yeah. Every relationship is a co-created space.

Yeah. And, that it was a powerful conversation for her. It was also a powerful conversation for me. From that moment forward, I started approaching all of my relationships that way. That it, you know, we don’t have rules until we agree on one.

. Yeah. It’s a great way to co-create.

So, Anytime. And this one’s been a challenge for me to accept too, but it’s my responsibility. Anytime my expectations are not met that’s my problem.

Yeah. [00:34:00] Yeah.

Yeah. Cool. Thanks for sharing.

Of course.

Anything else you wanna talk about on that?

No, I think I’m good on that one.

Cool. I’m about ready to wrap up. I usually wrap up with three questions. First one is for the people who have been as inspired by you as I am, how do they find you?

Well, a good place to go is my website, rubyfremon.com. And then if you wanna connect with me on social, my handle is at I am Ruby on all the platforms. And then I’ve got a podcast called Potent Truth and a book called Potent Leadership.

and it’s an amazing book and it’s a great podcast.

Thank you.

Second question. This is a bit of a curve ball. Was there something that you would like [00:35:00] me to have asked but I haven’t yet? Don’t hold back.

Not holding back, I’m reflecting. No, that one’s hard to. I don’t come into podcast interviews or conversations with expectations. I think the only thing that I enjoy is just the free flow and the surprise of the questions that get asked. I always, that always feels good, is let’s just go with the flow.

Yeah. I have a very good friend who believes that doing your research ahead of time before you meet somebody is like essential to showing them respect. And It totally understand where he is coming from. And in today’s digital age, I can’t disagree with him. But also I really like the surprise

Mm. I Like to meet somebody and not know what to expect and enter into it with absolutely no expectations and [00:36:00] no preconceptions. And that’s fun. That;s more fun for me.

Yeah.

So I’m, I hear where you’re coming from. I, can respect that. Third question. What was in line with your language?

What was the surprise to you in this conversation?

And you can’t say my picture.

I mean, I still can’t remember that, but Yeah. I guess just the surprise, huh? I think it’s hard to be surprised when you don’t have any expectations. I think when we have expectations, it’s easy to be surprised because something throws you off, but when you just arrive open to anything, you just flow

Yeah. I [00:37:00] like that perspective. That’s a, takeaway for us, right?

Yep.

Be free of expectations and flow.

Yep.

Yeah. Thank you.

You’re welcome.

Any closing words?

Just to remember that your audience deserves to be treated as your community. And if you continue to treat them just as an audience, that’s the same thing as continuing to treat people as they as if they are expendable. And if you wanna create any form of longevity in your leadership, you have to create loyalty in that that building of community is necessary.

. Yeah. Well that was for me. Maybe the people listening get some out of that too, but that was for me.

Yeah.

Thank you, Ruby.[00:38:00]

Thank you.

Thanks for joining us this week on Elements of Community.

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